The riding lesson

Chapter 27   the riding lesson.

You can do anything you put your mind to. Trust me.” He takes my hand, squeezes it then laces his fingers through mine. I love when he holds my hand like this, so much meaning, in such a small jester. Owning me, I’m his and he is mine, I’m totally smitten with him. He pulls me to the garage and we gear up for the ride. He gets on and I slide on behind him, wrapping my hands around his waist. He reaches back a gives my leg a squeeze and slides his hand under my thigh, smiling. “Mine.” Once again my insides deliciously clench. “Ready?”

“Yes, for everything.” I laugh.

And just like that we are off cruising down 4^th Ave. heading west. I love touching him when we ride, the closeness, the feel of intimacy and the sense of belonging. I hope we will always ride together. It’s warm and I am happy. What a great end to a dingy day. Is this different today, now than any other time? Does he always make me feel like this? Happy. Care free.  Is this just lust? Or could it be that I’m feeling something more? I squeeze him tighter. He touches my thigh again. I reciprocate by placing my hand on the soft bulge of his jeans.

“Easy, Baby.” His voice is playful. His hand leaves my thigh and covers my hand, of his now evident arousal.
“I’m happy Jack.”

“Me too sweetie.”

“Me too, Princess.”

I love his Jackisms; Princess, Pumpkin. Sweetie, Darling, Beautiful……and my all-time favorite Baby. I love how we dance….. I love his teaching me. (Wine swim ride eat)…. I love how we make love…. I love sexy voice. I love lying in bed reading the paper….. I love his coffee. My heart feels so full right now. I love him. I most definitely do.

We mount the bike and head off in search of food.

“Have you been to Sophie’s Cosmic Café?”

“No.”

“I’ll take you there, you’ll love it.”

A sizeable cue has formed in front of the restaurant and snakes, maybe 30 people, down the block. We make our way to back of the line, to wait like everyone else. Jack  stands behind me drawing in me so, my back is touching his front, leaving his arms on my shoulders, he plants a tender kiss on my the crown of my head. “It’s been a great day.” Letting go of my right shoulder, I feel him fishing in his right pocket.  After a few seconds I feel him put the ear buds in my ears, holding his iPod out in front of me, he taps the screen.  A guitar riff starts to bubble and I recognize it…Jon Mayer singing ‘The heart of the world is good.’  Dreamy comfort floods me as his arms drift back around me. I feel completely content right now, cherished and in love. Then the words hit me, ‘pain throws you heart to the ground, love turns the whole thing around, no it won’t go the way it should but, I know the heart of life is good.’  I get this Jack, my painful secret. You’ll love me no matter.  His arms hem me in like a blanket, and I sink into his chest. I love this man. He’s safe, honest and he wouldn’t hurt me so, what’s the problem. My issues are coming between us, I need to exercise my demons and have nothing between us. Trust him Libby, my conscience beacons.

       Inside the funky little restaurant we’re seated at a small booth and handed menus. Jack does a glance over his and asks “How hungry are you?”

I put my menu down and start to talk, “I was 12 years old when it happened.  Just about to become a young woman. It was an absolutely perfect day.” My voice is only a whisper while I concentrate on my hands. Jackson stops everything, puts down his menu and looks up at me, he leans towards me to hear and in the light his eyes sparkle like sapphires.  Reaching across the table he tries to take my hand but, I pull back.

“Just listen.” I look directly into his eyes with fear then back down to my hands and swallow. “I’ve only told 3 people and one of them left me. I’m afraid to say but, I’m afraid to not say, you need to know.” There is a quiver in my voice.

“Ok” his face is emotionless and he’s so very still.

“Funny, I can still smell the heaviness of the summer lilac in my nose; sweet, overpowering even. Even now, it’s never left me.  Bits of cottonwood drifted in the air like snow from the trees. It was a classic summer day, hot and dry. It would have been a beautiful day, so full of promise.  I was going to meet my new friend Penny, for a movie.” Stopping for a moment, feel as though tears will betray me but, I manage to find control. I will not give in; enough emotion has been wasted on that day. I swallow hard and taking a sharp brave breath, I continue. Jack sits a still as death waiting for me to carry on. “They lured me in,” my eyes are wide with anxiety. “They tricked me and then, attacked me from behind, the fucking cowards.” My voice is sad.

I hear him inhale deeply. “They?” his eyes widen.

“There were five of them.”

“Five?” I hear the horror in his voice as his eye brows furrow together.

The waitress interrupts us with water and asks “Would you like coffee or tea?” smiling not aware, the weight of our conversation. We both jump back and stare at her, bewildered, as she brings us back into reality.
“No thank you just the water for now,” Jack snaps back. “I’ll give you both a minute,” she briskly walks away.

I look back at Jack and shake my head, “Maybe this is an inappropriate time or subject. Sorry.” Feeling this might be a huge mistake.

“No. No, baby. I’m listening. Please go on.” I continue with caution. 

“Four of them held me down.” I pause again and look at Jack, weighing his expression and decide to continue. “I tried to get away, I couldn’t break free. They held me there, suspended. Tommy raped me first.” Jacks face drops, I can only guess what he’s thinking, revulsion? Nervously I continue, “And then one by one they took their turn.” I spread my fingers out on the table, like trying to find my balance as the vivid memory of the floods my mind. My hands trying to hold myself up so, I can continue, I find my voice once again.

Jack freezes. “Fuck.” Jack lets out a gasp. 
“They traded off like they were some kind of tag team wrestlers….. Tagfucking!” I smirk quickly like it was kind of amusing but, it’s just a nervous reaction, like all my made up words, nerves. “They stole my virginity.” Jack’s eyes close and he swallows hard like something is caught in his throat. After a moment his eyes open and tears. 

“Please Jack.” I reach across the table, squeeze his hand and smile at little grin at him. “Don’t…..I’m a good girl. Don’t. I’m not tainted! I’m a good girl! Please don’t let this change anything.” I demand, fighting any breach of teardrops. I can feel a welling my throat.

 He looks at me for what seems forever and finally with a tormented smile says, “Hey, I always thought of you a prefect girl, honey. You’re not tainted. Baby I’m so sorry. I understand why this was so difficult for you, so hard. I’m so, very sorry. It doesn’t change how I feel about you.”

 “Unnerving as it might seem, I only remember Tommy’s face.  I saw the other boys but, don’t remember them. It wouldn’t matter if I knew them anyway, it was 11 years ago. No point waking it up now.” I’m still quiet.

“Baby, I’m so, sorry,” his voice a staggered whisper as he squeezes my hand in return.

“It happened. It’s done. It’s over. I survived.  The weight of my guilt has lessened.”

“Your guilt? Why would you have guilt?”

“I just felt that somehow it was my fault.  Gerry and Penny had a big part in exercising that guilt, over the years. It’s all in the way you perceive things; I need to see a silver lining in all the hate. I needed something to make me pull through. My silver lining was, I found my family that day.”  I smile at him.

“What?!  I thought you didn’t have family.”

“Gerry, Penny and me, we became family that day.” Jack folds his hands over mine and covers them. “They became my kindred blood and I have always loved them like that, ever since.” I beam at him, “I was so lonely.  I was so, very lonely for five years.  That day I stopped being an orphan, the pot of gold at the end of my monochrome rainbow or nightmare if you will. Living there in that house being so, lonely was always so depressing.” My voice is sure and strong and optimistic. “I don’t know what Gerry told his Mom or if he said anything at all but, about a week later, she said I could just call her Mom, as if she knew I needed a Mother. For five years, I used to lie in my bed at night and wish, no hope for a family again, to feel love again. I felt connected, they made me feel loved. ” Tears threaten again. “Without them, I would have certainly died.”

“Do I make you feel loved Baby?” he’s smiling with his whole face.

“Are you ready to order?” once again the waitress interrupts us.

“I don’t think we have any idea what we want, could you give us some more time please? Jack is polite. As the waitress walks away for the second time Jack asks “Do you still want to eat?” glancing down at his menu.

“Yes, I’m pretty hungry.” Feeling like the weight from my soul has been lifted.  “Jack?”

He stops for a moment looking back up to listen to me, again. “Yes?”

“You do make me feel loved Jack. Very loved.” My face radiates back at him.  “I couldn’t be happier.”

After such an intense lunch it’s great to know we will get on his bike and ride. Freedom, that’s what I feel on the motor cycle. Liberation. Once I’m straddling the motorcycle, spooning his body, I hear a familiar song, in the helmet’s speakers.

“Is that Joe Cocker?”

“Yes, sweetie. Just listen. I’ll take us home.” He squeezes my thigh.

“When the road is dark and you can no longer see,

Let my love throw a spark and have a little faith in me.

And when the tears you cry are all you can believe

Give these arms a try baby, and have a little faith in me.

And when your secret heart cannot speak so easily

Come in darling from the whisper start

And have a little faith in me

When your back’s against the wall

Turn around and you’ll see

I will catch you I will catch your fall

And have a little faith in me.”

Tears stream down my cheeks and I tighten my grip around my man. My man. I lay my head on his back, crying tears of relief; tears of joy, and maybe tears of finally finding home. He is my home. I let movement of the bike take me away, take me home.