The Rape

Chapter 26

YEAR I AM 12    the Rape

Glorious that is the only way I can describe the day. The sun is high and hot in the clear blue sky. My skin is sun kissed with a sprinkling of freckles; I’m brown as a berry. I’m almost a teenager, three more months and I’ll be thirteen. School is out for the summer and I’m going to the new Harry Potter movie with my new friend Penny. I used some of the money I earned babysitting Mrs.Sherbano’s girls, to buy an orange crush and some Reese’s pieces with just enough for the movie I’m set. Life just doesn’t get any better than today. I need to meet Penny in 45 min. at the theatre so; I decide to take the short cut through the white forest, to save time. Appropriately named after all the bird shit on the trees. I don’t care I love the white forest, the Blue Herron Reserve.  I love the cry from the Heron that nest here. They have that  prehistoric sound. I always like to think I’m in that movie Jurassic Park and those Terridactiles flying around. A magical mind escape, transcendsmental.  I’m surrounded by cotton wood trees and dogwood shrubs. The air is thick with the smell of summer lilac and moss. It’s hot and I wipe away a small trickle of sweat running down my forehead.  Half way through and I hear surprisingly, what I think is a  cry for help. It’s coming from somewhere off the path. I can hear crying as well. A girl, no maybe a boy, it’s hard to tell. It sounds like it’s in pain. I lie my bike on it’s side  and thresh my way  to the noise. About 10 feet off the trail,  I can see someone struggling on the ground but, I can’t quite make out, who or what is going on, the grass and underbrush is too dense to see through. I have to get closer, closer to the screaming, closer to the crying, I keep walking till I can see a boy crouched on the ground. Nothing could have prepared me for what happened next. Without warning, or a thought of danger, like I’m the main character in a movie thriller, I’m grabbed from behind and  forced forward face down on the ground. I can’t even see my attackers, my face hits the dirt and the musty taste of mud goes in my mouth. I struggle to take a breath as dirt fills my nose. My chin hits the ground and instantly I feel dazed. Disorientated I try and fight back but, my attacker is strong, holding me solidly down, hindering me motionless, natiousia invade my throat. I can taste   blood in my mouth, metallic like iron. I feel my pants being ripped away from my body. I try and turn over and something, a foot I think hits my ribs, leaving me winded.

“Flip the bitch over!” Tommy screams hysterically. It’s as if everything just slowed down to half speed.  My panties are ripped away and I’m flipped over. A hand is over my mouth. I paralyzed with fear.  I can see two boys I don’t know  hold my legs apart. It all happens in such slow motion  but, I can’t believe it to be true. Tommy’s face is twisted with a wild  frenzied  look, like he’s possesd by a  mad man.  He’s strained and furrowed, his viens in his fore head and neck bulge. He smells sour and unwashed. Dirty.  No! Tommy undoes his zipper and I see him, his penis. I’ve never seen one before. He has dark matted hair surrounding it, strange. I don’t have any hair yet.  He looks so big, I know what he’s going to do. He leans over my body. No! “Hold her still!” Please don’t do this.  I feel a sharp pain as he forces his erection  deep  in me. Tearing me,  I feel like I’m being ripped in two. Sharp angry thrusts in me over and over again. Wrything like a snake, I try and break free but, the boys hold me so tight all I can manage is wrist burns. No! When Tommy is done the next boy takes his turn. Slamming hard into me, crippling  my honor.  Again and again for what seems like forever. Until all 5 boys are done raping my innocent body, stealing from me that first time magic with my not yet encountered boyfriend, or  that next door neighbor that I let slip secretly into my room one night, or my wedding night with my husband.  They are robbing me of that enchanting first time together with someone special. Tears stream down my face.  Taking my virtue without permission, without so much as a date, a flower,  an I love you, an act that will spoil me for any man wanting me in the future. Tears stream down my now dirty face.  How could you do this? Thoughts swirl in my brain. Why?  Their breath  fowl like stale beer and their sweaty filthy hands restraining me. Just kill me now.

“Tell anyone and we’ll kill you, bitch!” kicking in the ribs one last time before leaving me on the ground, muddy and bleeding, like some trash on the side of the road. I throw up in the grass, and can’t stop the dry heaving. Tears run down my face as I curl up in a ball and sob, racking my whole body with deep spasm after spasm of emotion. After what seems like a lifetime, disheveled, soiled I manage to sit up. Wincing with pain in vagina and my ribs, I have to put my ripped pants back on me some how. I feel stickiness between my legs and I reach down to wipe away blood and semen.  It hurts to breath but, I have to get up. I have to go home. I have to see my new friend. Sobbing I get to my bike,  and stumble to the other side of the forest. I can’I’m not sure why but, I find myself at Stewart’s front door. I ring the doorbell and he answers. “Hi.” He says calmly just like any other day. He always seems so mature, a man in a boy’s body. “What happened to you? You’re so muddy.” his face is like an island in the middle of a huge ocean, a welcome comforting island.    “Susie what is wrong?” a deep frown is hovering above his eyes. “I burst into tears, his arms wrap around me and I fall into his body. He pulls me into the safety of his house. I howl into his chest, “I was attacked in the forest.”

“What? By who? How?”

“I can’t say.”

“What? Why not? Do you know who?”

“I can’t say.” Tears start to come again. “I’m scared. They said they’d kill me.” Sobbing big uncontrolled tears I stutter as I talk. “Please, I can’t say.”

“Come into the bathroom and we’ll wash your face.” His voice is still calm and gentle. He runs the water to get it warm and with the patients of a saint he washes my face, then my hands. He talks softly telling me it will be ok. Telling me not to be afraid, he’s here for me.  “Your clothes are dirty, wait here.” He goes upstairs and brings back his sister’s shorts and a shirt. He hands them to me and leaves me alone in the bathroom to change in private. Slowly I pull off my clothes and turn on the shower. My shorts are bloodied and I feel the serge of shame, as I step in the tub.  I start to wash the dirtiness and pain away. I try and scrub the feeling of the boys holding me off. I cry and scrub as hard as I can but, I still feel dirty. Crying I turn off the water and step out, dry myself and dress. He’s sitting on the couch when I step out of the bathroom.

“Are you ok?”

“I’m supposed to meet Penny; we’re going to a movie.”

“You’re still going?”

“She can’t know” I sniffle.

“What? You’re not going to tell anyone?”

“NO!”I just about to start crying again but, I manage to control my tears.

“Are you sure you’re ok?”

“Yes. No one can know about this. You can’t tell. I have to go…thank you. I’ll get these clothes back to you.” My words come in labored sobs. I turn to walk out his front door, feeling cold  and make my way home, to the …..house. He jumps up and grabs my arm, “I’m coming with you.”

“What? No. I’ll be ok.”

“I’m coming” don’t argue, “I’m walking you home.”

She is there waiting for me sitting on the steps. She is the epitome of summer. She has long blonde hair, flip flops and a white flowered sun dress. Her nose is pink from being in the sun.

“Hi!”

“Hi.”

Are you ready?

Yes. Let’s go. Are you coming with us Stewart?”

“I was just walking Susie home.”

“It’s ok if you come with us, I don’t mind.”

We walk to the theatre and I before we can get there I break down and cry. I explain what the boys did to me. I tell about how they raped me and threatened to kill me if I told, risking my new friendship with Penny, taking a chance that she might side with the boys that raped me. What if she thinks I’m a slut?

“We have to go to the police!” Penny shouts at me. “You have to.”

“No I can’t, no one can know.” Tears run down my face. “Please don’t tell, please.” I start to cry uncontrollably.

“Ok, I won’t tell. Don’t cry Susie.”

“My Mom is at work until  12, let’s go back to my house.” Stewart pipes up.

“Ok.”

Once back at Stewart’s we sat in Stewart’s room  drinking pop and made a pact to not ever divulge any information about today to anyone, ever. We walk Penny home and he says to me, “Maybe you should sleep at my house tonight.”

“What?”

“Just tell your foster parents you’re staying at a girl friends.”

“Lie?”

“Yes lie, you can sleep in my room. I don’t think you should go home.”

“Ok.”

“As we walk back to Stewart’s room after we decide I’ll use the bed and he will use an air mattress. I’m in his sister’s pijamas laying on my side on his bed, the room is silent. I see Tommy’s angry face and  out of nowhere I start to cry, huge unladylike sobs, I don’t believe I can ever stop. I feel Stewart lying down on the bed beside me and he wraps his kind arms around my body, careful not touch my ribs. Tenderly he strokes my hair. 
“I’m broken forever” my voice is staggered.

“Susie, please don’t cry. I’ll look after you. You’re not broken, Tommy is broken, in the head. Just sleep now.” Together we fall to sleep, me in  Stewart’s arms. I don’t think with the exception of my parents, anyone has ever been so nice to me.