the letter

CHAPTER 29

He buzzes me in and I run up the stairs to his door. He’s waiting with the door open. A brief flash of, what if he’s not alone, crosses my mind. I bolt into his arms and he holds me tight.

“Hey baby, what’s the matter?” He’s tender.

“Jon.” Crying uncontrollably.

“Elizabeth, what is it, what’s the matter?”

I shake my head and words just won’t come. Tears fall down my cheeks. All I can manage is to hang on, silent, broken.

“Libby, say something.” He pushes me away and scans my face. “Libby?”

“I’m scared.” My eyes are filled with woe and leaning back into his shoulder I weep.

“It’s ok Lib, I’m here.” Holding me tight he let me cry and just give me comfort.

“I need to hide.”

“Hide?” he looks down at me “ok.” Engulfed in his arms he walks me into the living room. “You can stay here, can I get you anything?”

“No, just hold me,” tear stained and shaking, I whisper to him.

We sat together for a long time, still. Not speaking any words, just unuttered emotion. Then Jon breaks the silence.

“If you want I’ll sleep on the couch and you can have the bed.” It’s as though he‘s is showing me he can step up to the plate when needed, I’ve never seen this quality before, he always preferred the no fuss relationship. Fun and carefree, lazy and untethered, that’s what Jon wanted, not the commitment or promise I was looking for. Right now he’s being responsible, it’s as if he’s redeeming himself but, then I’m different too. It wasn’t my choice to come here it sort of just happened. But I’m glad it happened. I couldn’t have gone home; Jack would have found me there.

“I just feel so scared.”

“I know baby, I’ll protect you.”

I stay with Jon for 2 days. Most of the time I spend in the closet with a blanket and a pillow, my old habits come back to haunt me but, I feel safer hiding just like when I was in foster care.

One more call to work telling them I’m sick, another lie to help me deal with the lie Jack and I were living. A somber dark exhaustion crushes me and I can barely breathe. How will I ever trust again? I’m such a fool.

“Hey, are you going to try to go to work today?”

“No, I just can’t.”

“Do you want me make you breakfast?”

“No. I’m not hungry.”

“You really should eat something.”

“I can’t”

“I’ve got to go to work. You should call the fags and let them know where you are.”

“Jon!! Don’t call them that!”

“Sorry.” Grabbing my head he gives me a swift kiss on my forehead and heads out the door.

Sitting alone in Jon’s apartment, I feel like an empty shell. Hollowed out by the shrapnel of our false pretense, I thought to be a true love affair. I feel the bitter memory of being an orphan come over me and the haunting thoughts of taking my life return. Once again I hide in the closet with my horrid thoughts.

Suicide was on the edge of my mind when I lived in foster care, not all the time but, when Tommy started to torment me. He’d wait for me when I was alone and torcher me.  Desperation filled my days and nights and I always saw one solution, my only way out. My conclusion was always the same, death. I feel that desperate consideration hover in my head like smoke.  I have to go home; if I stay here I’ll die. I need my family around me.

I pick up the phone.

“Gerry, hi I’m okay. I’m at Jon’s place. Has Jack been there?

“Yes,” he calmly answers back. “Ee What’s going on?”

“Is he there now?”

“No,” Libbie what’s going on?”

“I’m coming home.”